I miss smoking.

Not the getting a cigarette out of the pack,
not the fishing a lighter out of my pocket,
not the scratch of the flint and fire
not the drawing that first breath to light it.

Not the holding of the cigarette,
not the brightened glow of the tip as I draw
not the taste of the smoke on my tongue or throat
not the feel of it in my lungs.

Not the gentle exhaling - and not in your face,
not the tapping of ash in the ashtray,
not the waving and gestures in air,
not the crushing its stub when no more.

And not the urge to light another one,
just a minute or two after that.

No, I miss but one little thing,
and that is the jolt and spark of
a tiny quick hit of that neuro
stimulant, each time I breathe it again.

I miss that lift, that little up,
I could readily administer to my brain

And now even though it has been three long years
I still search for ways to do that again.

I'm still hunting down ways that I can
spark those little nerves directly by thought
without the slightest of external stimulus -
to energize those circuits at will.

3/22/22

(Actually, I'm pretty good at it, but this is all still true.)