Prelude: Friday, October 2 at 1l:57 PM I just saw a lady on the "TV news" saying that now that the president has the virus, we should all start washing our hands and wearing masks to slow the spread of the pandemic. I am so fucking tired. Tired, exhausted, and bitter. Tired, bitter and angry at having to live daily with the results of the lowest common denominators among us for so long. So fucking tired. 45 Comments - 2 Shares Aftermath: Tuesday October 6 at 4:21 AM OK, that was a rough one. It rolled in sometime Thursday night and was ebbing by Sunday evening, and beat me up pretty hard along the way. They usually don't have spikes or sharp edges, but this one did, and I spent a lot of energy I didn't have fighting it as a result. Of course, there were amplifying conditions, principal among them isolation due to the plague (and the concomitant intellectual frustration of our bungling of it). But it was not the only. Usually they are softer, greyer, and more rounded, although, similar to this time, I often don't realize I am going through one until it is over, or almost so. Today I did not quite know (I vaguely suspected last night) until I was driving my car in the afternoon sun. Smiling and waving. Ideally I am aware of it sooner and can take better advantage of the odd states, the altered state. Looking back I sort of did ok on that score. I had a lot - oh boy did I have a lot - on my mind, and uncomfortably or not, I was churning a lot of it over, looking for clues and patterns, listening for echoes and previews. Laying out a little material for the elves to work on. I also seem to have managed to do a small amount of lightning-rodding, or life-lining, although far less than I think we all need right now, less than I would have liked to have done. Since most of my expression of it centered around the exaggerations of all that is awful and dulling of all that is worthwhile that we are all going through, I heard some whispers out there that tell me a lot more people need to try to express what they are suffering - if they can, if they can figure out how, if their life will even let them try. Or at least find ways they can feel less alone in going through this. I do want to thank from the depths of chemicals desperately needing and trying to rebalance themselves all the people who offered solace, who said "me too", who turned up and empathized, or offered some humor. It was a lot less lonely of a trip than it could have been. Try not to keep it to yourself if you can help it. The horror is real. PS, I see from my notes that the afternoon sunlight was phenomenal this weekend. 10/5/20 4 AM (using my nocturnal dating scheme) Prior and later works. There may be more to add to this list if I ever sort through my notes (my "blank thoughts"). 5/14/21 Depression in Isolation Reflections on a year of mental cycles 10/29/20 Solitary confinement ...which is also late Oct pandemic notes 10/5/20 Isolation and depression A rather raw piece about plague-driven depression (You Are Here) 11/16/00 Periodic depression depression, my little black puppy... 
© Huw Powell
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