If the soul is a bright shining light and the personality is a prism, is not what we want from someone the pure white light shining through a smooth, clear part of the prism? So often we can fall in love with a part of the light that is refracted out one way, just one color in their spectrum, and miss the ugly traits spilled out in other directions until it is too late…
It would be ok if they were strong enough to let us walk all around them and see the colors spread around, the good with the bad, but why do they have to keep that one face towards us? Why do they think that we only want that one part of them when even what they think is ugly might just be beautiful to us?
Imagine - someone could actually see and adore that "core" of me, and be right about what they see, but they do not know yet that I am a night person, that I have no money, that I talk too much; whether I am smart or dumb, neat or sloppy, late or early - some of these things will really matter.
Just try to focus on the terrible beauty inside yourself in all its glory and complexity... Remember, people don't meet many people like you - when they find "it" in you they want to latch on to you, rather than find "it" everywhere, now they know what it looks/feels like...
"We are taught to associate relaxation, happiness, with youth rather than with the person being who they are."
Its not about youth... you have to learn to compare with this spring and not last spring, sometimes .
"I wonder if I will ever let go..."
It helps to have someone else, of course - you will someday, but don't dwell on it - let it come naturally and it will.
"Why won't he even talk to me, Huw?"
It would tear open all his carefully concealed wounds, "blow his cover" as they say, to have to face the fact that he caused someone so much pain...
"It is ok with him, but we should be able to talk after living together for over a year."
"Should" is a dangerous word. (It is strange to me that those we come to closest to are often those with whom we have no traffic whatsoever later in life...)
"Why can't he forgive me whatever terrible thing he thinks I have done?"
Because he is not living in himself - the scars - the layers - how could he face all the loss and pain you would remind him of, that he didn't even know how to feel when it is fresh.
"He does not have loss, he doesn't feel. I wonder sometimes if he ever thinks about me."
Of course he has a loss, but by covering it up completely he remains unaware of it. So he "feels" ok but is really more broken than ever. He will still spread his pain among those he touches now.
printed 30 January 2023
© Huw Powell